I was thinking the other day about Thankgsviving and what it means to me. Now many people say the best part about Thanksgiving is the fact that you are surrounded by loved ones, and you are "giving thanks" for all of the wonderful things you have been blessed with. Now I can see where they are coming from and I definatley enjoy spending time with the family, but I can tell you one thing, they are full of shit. The best part about Thanksgiving, and I know you will agree with me, is the following. The party starts Wednesday night, "Black Wednesday", as they call it. You anticipate it almost as much as some of the top binge drinking nights of the year, such as New Years Eve, 4th of July, or in my case, John Wayne Gacy's birthday. You gather with freinds, relatives, and strangers at your favorite local watering hole, and you drink until the ugly girls look pretty, the ugly guys look like ugly girls, and you involuntarily discharge liquid matter from one or more oraphises. Thursday morning you wake up.......somewhere, just in time to catch the start of the noon football games. You sit your ass down for the next 3-6 hours taking in high octane Detroit Lions football, while someone else slaves away in the kitchen for your lazy ass. It's now 6 p.m., dinner is served. You sit down at the table, still looking like shit from the night before, and you commence on your voyage to uphold one of the seven deadly sins, ultimate gluttony. You mash food into your face at high speeds while you guzzle down more beer, eating and drinking so much that in ordinary circumstances would probably kill you. But you have the willpower, becasue this is a speacial occasion, this is Thanksgiving. On Friday, the busiest shopping day of they year, we all dash out the door at obscenely early times and rush to the nearest store to find the best values, trampling others, complete strangers, just to get the best deals, almost transforming us into complete Jews for a few frenzied hours. We retun home to show our prizes, still smattered with blood from the poor persons face you stepped on to get the last Tickle Me Elmo, and did you have to wear football cleats? On Friday night, after the hustle and bustle of the Thanksgiving holiday has died down, we all take a step back, crack open a beer, and say, "Whens Christmas?" I love Thanksgiving.

P.S. I apologize to any Jewish people, or anyone directly involved with Jewish people for my coy remarks. I was nearly perputuating a stereotype that is in fact 100% true. Again, I apologize. HEHE J/K

P.S.S. I apologize to any ugly girls who I may have offended. I only ask one thing of you; continue to bring you more attractive female freinds to the bar with you......you can wait in the car.

P.S.S. Make sure to tell your Mother this Thanksgiving how much you appreciate all of her hard work and how much she means to you, because you never know how many of these holidays you have left with your family.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!! Fuckers.....

Fresca, the definition of refreshment

Have you ever been watching a commercial and after it ends, you think to yourself, man, I could have made a better, more effective, more entertaining end to that fucking commercial. I do it all the time. Mine have a common theme though. Take for example, that Prudential commercial, where that overweight cartoon retard rides his bike up to the big hole in the ground and looks around as if he is an overweight cartoon retard. Then he pushes the Prudential logo thing shaped like a triangle up to the hole, utilizing it as a ramp mechanism. Props overweight cartoon retard. However, the commercial loses all effectiveness for me when after a brief moment of anticipation, fat retard clears the ravine and lands safely on the other side. Now, you cant tell me that you werent hoping for his bike to blow a tire while approaching the take off ramp causing him to second guess his ever approaching jump but realizing it was too late to turn back and while hitting the ramp at dangerously low speeds his non gasoline powered pedal bike somehow manages to burst into flames sending him streaking through the skies, on fire, almost giving you a sense of Nostalgia as you think back to your days as a teeneager at Pizza Hut, and just when you think hes gonna make it, as you wipe away the emotion from the last 10 seconds which has been cinema at its finest, the flaming Schwinn, with Captain Retard on board, come up a mere 2 feet short, smashing into the wall of the ravine, and decending into the unknown below. Then, to top it off, because at this point were all at the edge of our seats waiting for some sort of closure, all that flashes across the screen is, Prudential....Fuck you. In an outrage, we scramble to our computers, to our phones, and call everyone we know. "Did you just see that". Angry phone calls flood in at Prudential Inc. demanding for a safe return of the cartoon retard. T-shirts are sold by the millions, and overnight, the cute cuddly character that is the cartoon retard becomes a celebrity. Now, wouldnt that be a much more effective ending to that commerical. Because ask yourself, do you even know what Prudential does? I sure as hell dont.

Finally

The last few weeks have been interesting, and by interesting i mean incredibly uneventful and dominated by work. I spent most if not all of my nights at the office until the wee-wee hours of the morning only to wake up at the butt joint of dawn to repeat the same thing over and over. Weekends too. So needles to say when i worked out today for the first time in a month and a half i wasn't surprised to find that i have become a total bag of shit. I have been pissed lately, about pretty much everything, not really sure why, but just a general feeling of wanting to kick holes in my drywall. Which if you have been to my apartment, you know what I am talking about. The Cubs didn't help. I spend all this money and invest all this time in a team all year and they last in the playoffs about as long as i last in bed, which if you have been in my bed, you know how long that is. I am looking forward to the next few months though. I plan on doing things differently, but also the same. By that I mean I will still be drinking heavily, but I will be thinking outside the box while doing so. I am thinking of taking a trip to Buffalo in December. Why you ask? None of your fucking business. But honestly, I want to go watch my beloved Bills play live and in person. And I have heard the hookers in Buffalo are second to none. I figure while I am still young, single, and strapped for cash, I might as well travel the world, or in this case the west side of New York. I do like to have fun though. I have great friends and a great family. Now all I need is a great girl, and if I cant have that, a great blow up doll, and if the store is out, a great JC Penney catalog. I thing I am a good catch though. I always pay for Arby's, I rarely am abusive, and I have solved my bed wetting problem. I am flustered though as to why I am still a swinging bachelor. But I am still young. Well i am going to go get groceries, and by groceries I mean a bottle of gin, pack of condoms, Penthouse, and a bag of flour....don't ask. Have a great weekend and stay off the roads, there are a lot of crazy drivers out there. Go Cogs.

Quick thought before I masturbate

I just had a revelation. I don't like British people. 

I choo-choo-choose you

Well I went to the Cubs games last night and to the Cubby bear afterwards and planned on having "a few" beers. 10 hours later I woke up pantsless on a Greyhound bus headed for Lincoln, Nebraska. I have come to realize that I just might have a moderate to severe drinking problem. I have also come to realize that with today's gas prices, Greyhound is a nice alternative mode of transportation. I have also also come to realize that I suck. Not just in general, but across the board. Im not really good at anything, I am at most average. Everyone seems to have their own special talent, whether it be singing, drawing, playing music, digging holes, etc. Its sad, but if I had to think of one thing I was really good at, it would be slamming beer after beer for hours on end, and then inhaling White Castle afterwards in a furious display that some might mistake for a seizure. I have actually calculated that for every slider I eat, my chances of picking up girls goes down 12%, and for every beer I drink they get 7% more attractive. So it is a delicate balance which I need to work on since I havent seen a female breast in 7 years. Im off to bed.

MMM MMM GOOD

Well the weekend once again went by too fast, and here I am now wishing it was Friday already. This was a particular sober weekend in that I didnt end up a.) passing out in, on, or around the toilet, or b.) getting kicked out of a bar for "forgetting" where the toilet was. I limited my intake to a season low 3 beers on Friday night, patrially because I had to work on Saturday morning. So I arrived the standard hour late for work, got mocked by the contractor, and then retreated to my truck where I wept over a few delicious Sonic burgers. I got home just in time to catch the start of my beloved Notre Dame football squadron kick off the new season. And let me tell you, it was a roller coaster. I cheered, and then wept, and then cheered again, all while enjoying some delightful Sonic chicken strips. Meanwhile, I hadent realized that to this point in the day, I had consumed a dangerously large amount of Sonic, so in a frightened panic, I took a nap. I woke up about 14 hours later.............to be continued.
Later dudes

World Record

Move over Michael Phelps. I think I may have set a new world record today by eating 8 Airheads. 4 for lunch, and then 4 more for dinner. Although I imagine some super natural being has at one time eaten more, I challenge him/her to add on top of that, 1 super rope, 2 cups of pudding, and a half bag of Combos. As you can see health is my number one priority. As for this weekend, I think Im gonna start it out tommorow by going to watch my beloved Cogs play some Friday night football. I figure, hey there playin in Wheaton, and I have no life, and follow that up with I'm a loser, add it all up, and you get me standing on the side lines re-living my high school glory days of winning 2 games a year. Im setting my sites on Saturday though, yeah, Saturday is where its at. Ill wake up early on Saturday, say around 11, and tackle that pile of laundry thats been bugging me. Then Ill do one load, realize its noon, and quit because I am already dreading going back to work on Monday, which at that point would still be some 44 hours away. The laundry will sit, in the washing machine, wet, while I embark on my voyage to become the Airhead Eating Champion of District 7. It may require a trip to the grocery store though, as I have nearly inhaled the pack of 70 that I purchased in a drunken haze at Wal-Mart a few weeks ago. By this time Sunday should be rolling around, and this time Im gonna make it count. I think Ill spend some time outside on Sunday, maybe leave the parking lot of my apartment complex. Ill most likely be glued to my computer tracking fantasy football stats on one window, while scrolling through pages of porn in another window. It's Sunday, I know, but I will make up for it next weekend by going to church, or watching it on TV, or drinking so much I forget what day it is and then I wont feel so bad. But anywho, Ill let you know how my weekend turned out. GO GOGS!
Later dudes

An introduction to myself

This is my first attempt at "blogging", not to be confused with "yogging", but I thought I would pick up a new hobby that I will undoubtedly drop within a few days. I guess I should start out by giving you a brief synopsis of myself.
I love to drink heavily on the weekends and forget what my name is. I like waking up in a strange new place and then trying to find my way home. I enjoy going through life without goals or any real plan. The best sound in the world is the crack of a beer can. You can usually find me at a bar on Friday and Saturday nights, and Sunday through Thursday on my couch watching sports with a beer in my hand and about 12 empties strewn about. I went to Iowa once, but other than that I dont like leaving Illinois. I dont have much motivation in life, and nothing really drives me to succeed, but if I had to pick one thing that makes me happy I guess it would be my car. I got a Lebaron convertible, pretty sweet. Got it from my Grandma when she died.
Now that we have gotten to know each other, ladies, please note that I am suprisingly single, and my Lebaron has a fresh tank of gas. Would you share that gas with me? Seriously though, maybe chip in a couple bucks.
Later dudes.